Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
General Peter Pollock, the Navy Chief was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
General Pollock arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and Pollock asks: "So how are your men Marshall?"
"Very well trained, Peter."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls an under-trainee and says:
"James!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot!
I'm out of here!"
As James ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered Pollock and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A man bought a new car.
Next day he is driving his car to office.
On the way he was waiting for the Signal.
Suddenly he opened the door and got down.
Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, "How much should I pay to turn right?"
The Policeman was astonished and asked, "Why are you asking like this?"
Then man showed him the sign board which was in the corner of the road: "Free Left Turn"
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."