What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call an incestuous nephew? An aunt-eater.
Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today! "Shut up and keep digging, boy."
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce." The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
What's gross? Farting in the bathtub. What's grosser than that? Catching the bubbles with your teeth.
A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir." The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't? A: A belly button between her boobs.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from