How about we spank each other and call ourselves even?
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I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"
Q: What do you call a naked deer?
A: Buck naked!
A man runs over a cat.
The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner.
He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.
The man says, ‘I’m so sorry.
I’ve just run over your cat.
Can I replace it?’
‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady.
‘How are you at catching mice?’
A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
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How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
One simply cannot play fair and win in a zoo - there are way too many cheetahs.
Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
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