How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night? He controls himself.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".
Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Q: What would men do if they had breasts? A: They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die." So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?" The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting." So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."