Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
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Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards.
So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.
They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
(A) You are not Tom Cruise,
(B) The guns may stop working at the last moment,
(C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you,
(D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf
(E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.