I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
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What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need.
A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.
How do you know if your man is dead?
The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try oral sex.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you
have it, you don't know what to do with it.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."
The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."