Q: How can you tell when a man is dead?
A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die."
So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting."
So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Three couples are having a picnic.
One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey."
The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar."
Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!