Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down." The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends: 1st: How your girlfriend look like? 2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours? 1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die." So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?" The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting." So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."