A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
A second man walks into the same bar.
You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."
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Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.
While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied: "Thank you, dear!"
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
When God created the donkey, he said:"You’ll work day and night, and you’ll carry in your back heavy baggage. You’ll eat grass and you’ll have low IQ. You’ll be living for 50 years."
"But my God, 50 years is a lot of time for that kind of life! Give me only 30."
And so it happened.
Then, God created the dog:"As a dog, you’ll guard man’s property and you’ll be his staunch/loyal friend. You’ll eat their left overs and you’ll be living for 25 years."
"Oh, Mighty God. This kind of life is unbearable. Give me only 10 years to live, please."
And so it happened.
Then, God created the monkey:" You’ll jump around, tree to tree, and you’ll act like a fool so people can be entertained by you. You life will last 20 years."
"No, God, please! Don’t let me suffer for that long. Give only 10 years to live."
And so it happened.
Last, God created the Man:"You’re a Man. You’re the only sensible being on the planet earth. You’ll use your inteligence to dominance the other creatures. You’ll be in charge. You’ll life will last 20 years."
"But my one and only God, 20 years is not too long to achieve my goal. I beg you to give me the donkey’s 20 years, dog’s 15 years and monkeys 10 years."
And so it happen.
Since then men lives for 20 years as a man.
Then, he gets married and works as a donkey for 20 years by carrying heavy baggage night and day.
He haves children and lives as a dog, guarding the house and his property, eating family left overs.
And when he grows old, he lives like a monkey.
He’s his grandchildren entertainer by acting fool!
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."