Joke #3497

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"
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has 77.16 % from 762 votes. More jokes about: sex

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One day Pepito was having a shower with his father when he saw his fathers penis. He asked his father what it was and his father replied "this is my racing car". The next night Pepito heard moaning in his parents room, being curious he peeped in to see what was happening. He then saw his father on top of his mother, while looking his father saw him and told him to go to his room. "OK, but I'm not sure you're driving that racing car properly" replied Pepito.
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has 42.73 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: car, driving, kids, sex
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
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has 68.25 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, dirty, sex
Are you a candle? Because I want to blow you.
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has 57.16 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: dirty, flirt, sex
Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job? Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
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has 75.62 % from 178 votes. More jokes about: sex, time, women
Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying. ‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary. ‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’
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has 68.02 % from 120 votes. More jokes about: sex
A man and wife were making love. When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away. Mom said "You better fix this now." The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma. The dad screamed "What the fuck." The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: dad, dirty, family, kids, sex
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them. George called him "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Dick, and Colon". Bill called his "Sex Between the Bushes"
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has 81.21 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, political, sex
A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says " Doc I can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back!! " The Doc says " There is an experimental procedure where the mucles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis, this gives you the full use of your penis." Great I'll do it. Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens again. So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disapeared back under the table. His date stared in complete awe and said " Can you do that again". He said " Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."
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has 75.67 % from 359 votes. More jokes about: baby, doctor, elephant, food, sex
A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after the marriage all their windows fell out. Which was the least of their worries.
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has 53.93 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: sex
Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off. So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him. Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.
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has 73.96 % from 247 votes. More jokes about: dirty, gay, sex