Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
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Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
‘Its been a rough day.
I put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’ Rodney Dangerfield
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school
(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay I went to the movies!
DAD : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter
(robot slaps Son again!)
Okay I was watching porno.
DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno!
(robot slaps dad)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Q: Why did Daft Punk spend the night with a Leprechaun?
A: He was "Up all night to get lucky"
One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening.
Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening.
The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10"
He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly.
He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?"
Again he left quickly and returned to the convent.
Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?"
She replied "$10.00 same as in town."
Two girlfriends meet again after a few years.
One is pushing around a baby buggy.
The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Damn gangbang! At least he doesn't bark!"
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.