I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite. 
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Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Yo moma is so fat, and so nasty, when she sat down on the toilet, grown men fall out of her screaming "We're free! We're free!"
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle.
Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?"
"Just sand," replied Jose.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.
A couple was having an argument, and the man was losing badly.
After 5 minutes the woman won the argument proving the man to be stupid, the man sadly says
"If my proof falls then I rome through the halls."
Then the woman leaves for 10 minutes and comes back starts giving him a blowjob.
The man is confused and says "what are you doing?"
She said "If I prove you dumb I give ya some."
The man continues to lose a argument knowing he will get a blowjob after 10 minutes, and he did.
Years later they have a kid but none of them want him so they have an argument of who takes care of it and the other leaves for good.
The man without a thought loses the argument the get another blowjob, but after the argument the woman starts rapping
"Yo yo guess who's the kid, not me so suck yourself bitch."
Before she leaves the he says "what about the blowjob?"
She says ask my twin sister that has herpes cause she did it the whole time.