I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite. 
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Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention.
It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid!
Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it.
I've got something else though.
It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude.
You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A. A second date.
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"I can't believe it, it really is a boy."
That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
What is a man's definition of safe sex?
A padded headboard.