Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling "Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!"
With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the hell did she roll anyway?" The second dealer answered, "I thought you were paying attention!" 
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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks.
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men :
"Does this look like sh*t to you?"
"Yes is does", they replied.
"Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief.
"Ammmm...Yes"
"Good. Don't step on it!"
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
One guy says to a bald guy "Your hair ran away to find someone with a brain."
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"