Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days." Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
A real man would never cry in public unless: He watched a movie in which a heroic dog dies to save his master. Or if Heidi klum unbuckled her shirt. Or if he accidentally dropped crates full of beer.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task? A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat. "Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?" The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy." The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian." The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop. A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"
Q: How do you piss off a man? A: Stand on his back and piss.