Men are like Bluetooth.
When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
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Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you are not."
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
If guys had they periods, they would compare the size of their tampons.
How do you know if your man is dead?
The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.