A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs? A. None! He fell.
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink." The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"
A brain walks into a bar and says, "Ill have a pint of beer please. "The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I cant serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "Youre already out of your head."
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”. Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag” The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"