Joke #3633

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong. He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...