A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
Q: What are the three rings of marriage? A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside. They decide to take it to a vet but don’t have anything to carry it in. ‘Why not wrap it in your skirt?’ suggests the husband. ‘What about the stink?’ protests his wife. Her husband replies, ‘It’ll just have to get used to it.’
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
The boss snubs his employee because he took a flashlight with him to a date: "What kind of crap happens nowadays? When I was in your age, I wasn’t carrying any flashlight with me on a date. I was always meeting my girlfriends in the dark." "And what did that got you... Take a look at what you’ve married in to!"
Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."
The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"