I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store. He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it. So he walks into the shop and asks an employee: "Excuse me sir." "How can I help you" the employee replies. "Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?" The employee looks at him and says "No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!"
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1) No mind. 2) No business.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim " at Yale." "That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"
Sex is when a guys communication, enters a girls information, to increase the population, for a younger generation, do you get the information... or do you need a demonstration.
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.