Is your goalmouth open? High five!
The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.
Did you hear about the small golf course? You don’t have to shout ‘Fore!’, only ‘two and a half’.
Q: What's the worst thing about being lonely? A: Playing Frisbee.
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there." The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice." The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?" The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."
Why is Cinderella such a bad football player? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.
A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat.
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."