A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long.
Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
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If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."
What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says:
"Haha nice one!"
and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
At the doctors office:
Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live…"
Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?”, clearly chocked, “Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please…"
Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ill do it"
Doc: "Do you eat fat food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok doc"
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok"
Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes!
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I’ll do that too"
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I will"
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century…"
Vote:
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"