A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life.
The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom.
She seductively asks her husband,
"Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?"
The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies,
"Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"
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A man died and went to hell and was sitting on a stone looking very depressed.
Another demon came up to him and asked: "Why the glum look, man?"
The man replied: "Well I just died and now I'm in hell."
But the demon just smiled and said: "Don't feel bad, it's not a bad thing at all. Do you like smoking?" the demon asked.
The man's face lit up and he answered; "Yeah!" "Well on Mondays we all get together and smoke till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered.
"Alright!" creid the man.
"Do you like drinking?" the demon asked.
"Yeah!" The man answered.
"Well on Wednesdays we all get together and drink till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered.
"Sweet!" cried the man.
"Are you gay?" asked the demon.
The man frowned and said: "No."
The demon replied: "Oh, then you're gonna hate Saturdays..."
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her feet.
Are you a candle?
Because I want to blow you.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?
A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."
Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.
An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’
The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’
‘It is,’ agrees the old man.
‘That’s why I want it lower.’
You know why Chuck Norris is always on top during sex?
Because he never fucks up.
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