Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’
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Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
"How's it going?", someone asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.
What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
Twins!
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet?
Because deep down they are really good people.
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked -- the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha!
You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?'
'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter ‘Sue’.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter.
A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.