How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
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Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
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What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Insufficient sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
How can you know a lawyer is lying?
When he moves his lips.
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?"
St. Peter asked.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,
500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."
The boss speaking with the secretary:
Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?
My lawyer.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.
"Well that's not an crime", said the judge!
"How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.