Joke #3834

My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes ago."

"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand. The judge says, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "He beats me." The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "She beats me too." So the judge says, "So who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."

The hardest thing about prizefighting is picking up your teeth wearing a boxing glove.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can stab you with a basketball- Brandon De La Riva.

Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling.

How did the blonde die icefishing? She got run over by the zamboni!

Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.

A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."