My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.
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Yo' Mama is like a heavyweight boxer: a few licks, a few blows, and she's back to her corner.
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor.
"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat.
What can you serve that you cannot eat?
A tennis ball.
Q: What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A: A dino-score.
Two alpinists on a mountain:
One of them falls in a crack, the other jumps at the hole and screams after the other one:
Are you hurt?
Noooooo! He hears.
How come?
I’m still fallinnnnnnn!
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?
Ten-ish.