I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Two NBA basketball referees were walking through the countryside and they noticed some tracks. The first said, "Deer tracks?" "No," replied the second, "Bear tracks." The conversation ended abruptly when the train hit them.
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games? A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy." Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
Is your goalmouth open? High five!
While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse? It got angry and bit at the champ!
What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.
Peter goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." Peter's wife says, "OMG! That's terrible!" Peter says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."