What do you get if you cross a computer and a policeman?
PC Plod.
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Two bloggers chatting:
Mom: Son, it’s snowing so nice.
Son: Where, Give me the link please.
A big party is being held to honor relational database systems and their impact on modern society.
Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.
The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.
Host: Who have you brought along?
Oracle: I have 4 DBA's in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost.
A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people.
Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: I have 2 DBA's, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants.
A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.
Host: Why haven't you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn't bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.
20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.
Host: Where have you been MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.
Two computers in the same LAN chatting one night:
PC1: I was having a nightmare last night, it was so horrible.
PC2: Why, what did you dream about ?
PC1: I was sleeping, dreaming 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 when all of a sudden a 2 popped up!
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.
The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide.
I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again.
Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Q: What does an SEO and part-time chiropractor work on?
A: Your bad backlinks.
Q: What has a key but no lock and has space but no room?
A: A computer?
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