There’s one good thing about life.
It’s only temporary.
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Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
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My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live.
She chose last week and this week.
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead.
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
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A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles."
He decides to stop in.
A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore.
The madam says, "I'll need $500 first."
The man pays, then asks about his whore again.
The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot.
His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.
The only difference is, then he kills people.
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