Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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Q: How did the hail stone describe its life?
A: It really has a lot of ups and downs.
What's the fastest thing in the world?
A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve.
What's the second fastest thing in the world?
The Indians running after it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Q:Why is a doctor always calm.
A: Because it has a lot of patients.
The Highlander movie was actually based on Chuck Norris's life.
There can be only one.
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T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons.
Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.
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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman.
"I've only got to make a will.
And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money?
I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..