Joke #8915

Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist? A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life

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Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: baby, celebrity, life
I know when god becomes angry. When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
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has 50.67 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: god, life, teen
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
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has 78.12 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, game, life
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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has 76.09 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, life, marriage, sex
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
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has 77.70 % from 566 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, life, mexican, money, racist
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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has 75.62 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: life
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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has 75.97 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, lawyer, life
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.
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has 76.06 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life, music
If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be? Chocolate filled.
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has 50.89 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, chocolate, food, life
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
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has 66.64 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: life