A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’
‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man.
‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
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Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
A loan shark asks a lawyers advice:
How can I get back my $1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt?
Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the $2,000 he owns you.
Ok but I only loaned him $1,000!
That’s the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you $1,000...
What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A Dobermann pinscher.
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
How do you call 5000 lawyers dead at the seashore?
A good start...