An airliner is having engine trouble.
The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready.
‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply.
‘Except one lawyer.
He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
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A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter.
“In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.
“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that!
What's the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;
"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.
"How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
“So what did you think?” he asks.
“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.
“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”
The second guy replies, “You were right.”
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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