Joke #4049

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

James Bond got this email from a friend: CanYouPleaseFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

What do computers eat when they get hungry? "Chips."

A programmer went to the store to buy milk. His partner said, "While you're there, buy eggs." The programmer never returned.

Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times I type eleven, it won’t unfreeze. Agent: What do you mean, “type eleven?” Caller: The message on my screen says, “Error Type 11!”