Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
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A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
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Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
Programmers: See one warning, fixes warning. Compiles...
See two errors, fixes errors. Compiles...
See 83 errors, pitches computer.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
"Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."
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A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.
Finally someone notices and calls the police.
They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion.
The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair.
Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’
Where does the acronym LOTUS come from?
Let Only Users Suffer.
Programmer.
A machine that turns coffee into code.
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
‘If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?’
Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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