A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
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Did you hear about the argumentative skunk?
He always liked to make a stink.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up.
Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life.
One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?"
The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy."
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?"
He says "Oh, were making it a baby."
The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
Are you a shark?
Cause I've got some swimmers for you to swallow.
Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler.
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Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
Did you copy hers?, she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
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