Joke #4286

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.

My husband said he wanted more space. So I locked him outside.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room. The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age. The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins." The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win," says the old man.

Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’

Contrary to popular belief, Harry’s mother and father were married. Not to each other. But they were married.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."