The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
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My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards.
If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
Vote:
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
"My wife and I always compromise, I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.’
Jackie Mason
The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet the wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came back to his senses, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"