The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
I got home and found a man in bed with my wife. I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’ He said, ‘Everybody.’
I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married? A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
My husband added some spice to our marriage. He's left home.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.