How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
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Question: Why does Tigger smell?
Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!
You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.
Vote:
A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."
So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Mouse: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc."
So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Croc: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar."
So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it."
Lion: "Why did you do that?"
Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.