Joke #4482

The best things in life are free, plus tax.

We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.

‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’ Rita Rudner

We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.

Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.

Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it's classed as an Act of God!

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?”" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"

Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.