He’s been hitting the bottle for years. He’ll be two tomorrow.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian." The teacher asks, "So what are you then? " The girl replies, "I'm an atheist." The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. " That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour? A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.
This Christmas, Santa is sending a message to the naughty children to stop being bad. He stuffing their stocking with Chuck Norris!
Why is it nice being a baby? It’s a nappy time.
What did the volcano say to the other volcano? Stop erupting me.
A man and his son went into a store. The kid picked a USA flag and told his dad: "Dad, I want this flag." The man tells him: "Nah, this looks too bright. Check if it's available in a different color."
Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy. The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?" And the father answers truthfully: "These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the sex education class." Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?" "This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside. "What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?" "This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?" His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"
Deer Hunter. A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"