Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery?
They woke up.
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Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia.
While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.
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Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
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A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
What do you call a young army?
Infantry.
Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.