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I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund.
It was a sad, funny kind of film.
In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.
"That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book." 
Chuck Norris won the Kentucky derby, on a Unicorn.
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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
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Do you know the difference between a postal box and a monkey's arse?
Well if you don't know I will never ask you to post a letter for me.
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?
In a pellet court!
Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped.
What's a tiger?
A stri-ped.
One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar.
Man says "you can leave that lion here."
The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiot."