What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
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Me: Hey look its Nemo!
Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish.
Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead.
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
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Q: How do you get ten fat cows in your basement?
A: Hold a tupperware party!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it...
What goes black white black white...?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.