He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
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Yo momma is so poor she ran after a trash can truck with her shoping list.
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime.
Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
3 old friends meet each other unexpectedly in Paris.
Since they haven't seen each other in decades, they decide to celebrate by going out.
They decide that they would go to the Eiffel Tower.
When they arrived, there was a guard there next to a sign that read "if you can drop your watch from the top of the Eiffel Tower, run all the way down the stairs and catch it on the floor, you will win 10 million dollars.
The men decided to try it.
The first one went up, dropped his watch, sprinted all the way down and looked up, but his watch wasn't there, so he looked down and there was his watch, shattered into pieces of gears and parts.
"Impossible," he said to his friends.
The second Man thought that maybe he was too slow, so he went up, dropped his watch, then practically jumped Down the steps, and looked up, but it wasn't there.
He looked down, and the remains of his watch were right next to his friends' watch. "Impossible," he said to the third man.
But the third man tried anyway.
He went up, dropped his watch, then took his time going down, taking 25 minutes to get down the steps.
When he finally went down, he looked at the local clock and waited 5 minutes, then he looked up and caught his watch.
Everyone was shocked, and as the guard was counting up the money, he asked: "how did you do that?"
The man looked at him and replied: "my watch is 30 minutes late."
Vote:
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet.
He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet.
He walked away with a check $960,000.
When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it."
The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!"
The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
Vote:
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’
Spike Milligan
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting.
One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a crap.”
The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.”
The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.”
The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”
The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”
The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”