He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
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We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium.
When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Vote:
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx
What’s the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!
Yo mama so poor the i saw her rolling a can and said what are you doing she said moving!
How much money did the bronco have?
Only a buck!
A small boy goes up to a man in the street and asks him if he’s lost £5.
The man checks his pockets and says, ‘Well, yes.
I think I have lost a £5 note.
Have you found one?’ The boy replies, ‘No.
I just wanted to see how many people had lost a £5 note today.
You make 72.’