Joke #6783

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.

An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins. The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?" The man answered: "45 years." The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.

My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.

Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony. The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"