A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!
Q:What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A:"Please, no stories!"
A white horse goes into a bar, and orders a pint of bitter. "Blimey," the barman says, "we sell a whisky named after you." "What, Eric?" says the horse.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"