A true gentleman holds the door for his woman... then smacks her ass as she walks by.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Men are like... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?"
"A Budweiser in each hand!"
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle.
Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?"
"Just sand," replied Jose.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."