Q: Whats the definition of vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
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This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession.
The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?"
The old guy says, "During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors."
The priest replies, "Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure."
The old guy says, "Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?"
Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sexual encounter.
The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 blow-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed.
Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time".
The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right.
After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left.
Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"?
John said, "I think she was dead".
John said, "How was yours"?
Bill said, "I think she was a witch".
John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"?
Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window."
Vote:
Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.
An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’
There are three types of sex in a marriage.
The first one is Kitchen Sex.
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex.
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
A voice inside said to me: ”Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!”
And another voice answered: ”but you are a veterinarian!”
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries.
"Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk.
If you want it harder, you say tomato.
If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.