What's black and white and green?
A frog sitting on a newspaper.
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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
A boy asks his mother for breakfast.
She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicks the chicken.
He does the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry.
His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat.
The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed.
What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dog in its mouth.
Vote:
A man has his car full of penguins.
He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him.
He says.
"Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins.
Once again he drives past the policeman.
"Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man.
"We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?
Glass flippers.
Imagine being completely naked in room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you...
This is life of a dog.