A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
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Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s**t out of you.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die."
So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting."
So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
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