Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.
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Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
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Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's?
He always burns the franks.
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Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.
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How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
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Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if your sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
Q: What's more offensive than a truck full of dead babies?
A: Taking them out with pitchforks.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."
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