Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds? A. Bonds mature.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Womem"? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why? Theres no place like home ...
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!" "That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts." A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!" "Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!" Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died." "No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims. "Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
Q: Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viagra? A: It may cause them to spin around and point north.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.