Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Stupid?
He wanted to be a farmer.
So he studied pharmacy.
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good."
Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
They put one man on the moon.
Why can’t they put them all there?
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"