Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
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What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
(A) You are not Tom Cruise,
(B) The guns may stop working at the last moment,
(C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you,
(D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf
(E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
Chinese and American are in a plane.
Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry.
After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that he'll do it.
While he's gone, American spits into his shoes.
Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke.
That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, "I spitted in your shoes, sorry."
Chinese answers, "That's how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we piss into each others cokes..."
Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea.
The second also asks for tea.
"And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter.
When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.