Joke #5418

Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama? A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
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After an accident... 1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first. 2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
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Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey." Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar." So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
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Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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What does a man call true love? An erection.
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
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What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.
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Every man thinks he's a dream of every woman. Sorry guys, but the dream of every woman is eating all the time and not to get fat.
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